I Must Have Been Really Bad

IN A PREVIOUS LIFE

I have everything all planned out. I moved. into this little cottage 23 years ago, because it has no steps. And I was going to die here. Easy peasy. Worst case scenario, I would fall ill, go to the hospital, and check out there. But apparently, I must have been really bad in a previous life, because it seems I don’t get to do either.

Artwork by Gloria Christie, 2022.

I have scheduled myself to live another five years. I was working full-time as a political journalist, and I love it. But I started getting really tired after my 12-hour days. Ideally, I wanted to keep being a political journalist half-time and work on my book series the other half. And I got my half-time, but not in the way I planned.

You’ll recall I fell down trying to wrangle my 100-pound puppy into his night cage. I did the old tuck and roll, just like they tell parachuters in the movies. And I managed to ding everything on the way. In particular, my hip hurt.

So I’ve been gimping around here at home. But now I have a narrower triangle of life. There is my computer, my chair, and my bathroom which fortunately has water so I don’t die of thirst.

For some weird reason, I couldn’t lie down, stand up, or sit down. That was unfortunate. So I decided to sleep in my anti-gravity chair, which I firmly believe is the best invention since the car.

There is this problem, though. I can’t walk. Oh, I do a pretty good imitation, but it isn’t walking. I’ve tried the lean-on-the-furniture trick. But that hurt. I tried the squeeze the buttocks and thrust myself forward. Again, no go. Now, I position my cane so that it gives me just enough height the other leg drags behind. Dang it. That one doesn’t work either.

I was wearing my “Kiss” “Me” hot pink CROCS for stability. But the drag on them meant disconcerting unpredicted stops. So I went for my silver rubber-heeled slippers.

There were fewer sudden stops but I spilled Gatorade all over them. So I pulled out a regular pair of mules. And at last, we had ignition. Now, I do the cane to give me height. A slide. And a fluid drag. Maybe I could call that a dance, because it sure isn’t anything that resembles walking.

Of course, there is that problem with my precarious maneuvers. I might fall again. I must admit I’m pretty shaky. I wonder if that would work as a ballet?

When a good friend suggested I give up my car, I tossed that idea right out the window. But we’ve been friends since I was 16, and she knows me well. She let the idea linger in the air for a couple of weeks. Then she deftly reminded me:

If you can’t walk you certainly can’t drive!

She might have a point.

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Gloria Christie is a political journalist for the liberal online newspaper The Bipartisan Report. Find her here on Facebook. Or at Three White Lions, her book written in her own unique style with a twist of humor on Amazon Kindle Vella and the Gloria Christie Three White Lions podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, etc. Christie’s Mueller Report Adventures In Bite-Sizes a real-life compelling spy mystery (in progress).