I Must Have Been Really Bad
IN A PREVIOUS LIFE! HUMOR Gloria Christie
Baby Doll Body
Hi there! Glad to see you today, which is a very good day. Yesterday, not so much. I realized I had worn out all of my joints. And there isn’t a quick-fix replacement parts store for seniors and athletes.
Naturally, I imagine the absolute worst outcome. I don’t know why humans do that. Maybe apes and dogs do, too, but I’ve never been able to get inside of their brains.
After I had ruled out a Parts Unlimited store, I imagined living in a nursing home next to a mountain, a lifetime supply of Depends, because there wasn’t enough staff to come take me to the bathroom. Where I would lie watching mind-numbing daytime TV, with a hammer beneath my pillow after my Kindle and phone had been stolen. Hey, if you’re old, all sentences for crimes are lifetime sentences. So crime basically has no consequence. Just look at Donald Trump.
You know those baby dolls whose hard plastic arms and legs popped out? If you really pulled hard (asking for a friend)? That is how I imagined I would look. I would be in a room with a crazed roommate named Ted Cruz who talked all the time and never slept — so neither could I. Well, unless I wanted to wake up seeing my roommate holding a dagger over my baby doll body. And how do you press the call button without arms?
Our country has this thing about older people. Americans seem to believe that if you pretend these aged reminders of the Grim Reaper don’t exist, neither does Death. And they take it so far as to stack the elderly in profit-based nursing homes. Out of sight. Out of mind. Then Death can come in the middle of the night and steal them away.
No fuss. No bother, well except for the horrendous amount of paperwork dumped on my wonderful sister, Barbara Christie Mansfield. She was a nurse in a nursing home and had 60 seriously ill people to care for with one aide, two if she could discover where the other aide was holed up, sleeping.
I notice TV ads about cute new panties that “hold the weight of eight tampons.” I wonder how much that is in ounces? Six ounces? Two liters? I also was surprised to see how many of the TV models look like real people, not human manikins. Finally! I really resent advertisers who convinced our entire population that the starvation look is attractive.
So long story almost short, I called a friend who had hip replacement surgery recently. She said it was outpatient and a breeze. That she walked from the car to her home after surgery. And lived in her recliner for six weeks.
She did? That’s wonderful! No not for her. But for me. I’ve been beating myself up for living in my zero-gravity chair. Now, I can let that go and just relax. Just heal. Today is a good day.
Be Safe, Be Well, You & Yours!
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Gloria Christie is a political journalist for the liberal online newspaper The Bipartisan Report. Find her here on Facebook. Or at Three White Lions, her book written in her own unique style with a twist of humor on Amazon Kindle Vella and the Gloria Christie Three White Lions podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, etc. Christie’s Mueller Report Adventures In Bite-Sizes a real-life compelling spy mystery (in progress).