Hi there! Have you seen this? You know, when one guy at Huffington Post in its earlier days created a contest to prove women were as funny as men, I entered and came in second. Sarah Silverman won first place! I was totally shocked. And I hope you will enjoy my latest attempt at humor here:
WHEN THE GOP SWALLOWS ‘THE PILL ‘
That space between me naked, feet in stirrups and my gynecologist is semi-sacred to me — I do NOT want an old Republican guy standing in it. But that is where we will go if the ex-president wins in November. First, the GOP killed abortion, then in-vitro fertilization (IVF), and the Day After Pill. Now, as Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas promised, Republicans are going after birth control. Really? Oh yes. Definitely.
It’s hard to imagine that reality, and I’m not sure younger women and men fully understand how dramatically no birth control will change their lives. But I remember that ancient time before “The Pill” freed us. It was terrible. A former neighbor of mine did not want children at all. But her husband wanted a dozen kids. So they compromised. Now they have 10 younger ones and a bazillion grandchildren.
I started having sex when I was 17 and dating a fifth-year senior in college. He convinced me that only I could relieve his blue balls. I’m pretty smart, but I was frightfully innocent. My mother had been exceptionally controlling. But when I graduated from high school, she pushed me out of the nest and into the big bad world — alone.
Mom seduced my dad when she was 17. Dad did the “right thing” after her seduction so no one suspected. And I showed up when she was just 18. My mother didn’t want children either. She just wanted an imagined romantic life. Dirty diapers did not factor into her plans.
Culture blamed and shamed girls for getting pregnant. Illogically, the pregnancy was all her fault. The guy could and did sow his oats all over the place. All I had to protect me was one thin condom, preferably one without holes. So after sex, I was on pins and needles until my period came. Unfortunately, my period was not very regular, so it was Stress City. Stress is a real mood killer.
I had always wanted to go to college but pregnancy would end that dream. Later I realized that the worst cramps ever 56 days after my last period was a life-saving miscarriage.
My first orgasm occurred in ninth grade during gym push-ups. My second orgasm happened when I was late to a harsh professor’s college class. I was speed walking and trying to look cool at the same time. The Pill changed all of that.
When I grew up mothers stayed at home cooking from scratch, sewing our clothes, cleaning, and rearing the kids. My mother hated sewing. It was the only time I heard her swear. All Dads went to work. Dinner was at 5:30, and bedtime was as quickly as Mom could ditch us., say 6:30. That was okay, because from the time I could walk, I would go down and visit with my dad while he milked our dairy cattle the old-fashioned way. I was a weird kid.
Dad’s salary supported us. I recalled my mother reading novel after novel after she locked us outside. Now both mothers and fathers work at least one job if not one and a half or two. You see, a GOP corporate cabal sucked up all our middle-class money. We think raising children is expensive now, imagine trying to buy groceries on one income. I suspect men would have to have to work the day, evening, and night shifts.
Women would have to tend gardens again, save electricity by hanging up the clothes, and serve a lot of macaroni and Velveeta. Of course, daycare would be so expensive it would be out of the question, and mothers’ dreams of a career would turn to ash.
Instead, they would face the damage to their bodies from giving birth every year, the stress of not having enough money, and a life without dreams. I don’t know though, maybe living under a dictator could be fun.
Gloria Christie is a political journalist and high-tech change expert. In addition to Substack, you can find her at the liberal online newspaper, Bipartisan Report. When one guy at Huffington Post in its earlier days created a contest to prove women were as funny as men, Christie entered and came in second. Sarah Silverman won first place. Christie’s new memoir will be available on Amazon Kindle and the subscription version of her Substack soon.